A Carer's Identity

Who am I?

Whilst I love caring for my daughter and family, I recently feel as though I have been through a bit of an identity crisis. I share this with readers as I want this blog to truly reflect what we mum's, parents, carer's experience. I think that if we share our good and bad times, then others will not feel so alone.

And how can one feel alone if they are surrounded by so many? I told my husband the other day, 'I feel so alone' and his answer was but 'I am here with you, sitting in the same room'. He didn't quite see what I meant by alone.

Being a carer is rewarding, don't get me wrong but it can also sometimes alienate you. As my daughter's mum, I have a huge responsibility - it is my decision usually if we go for any medical treatment, my decision as to what she eats, sometimes this responsibility can be intense. Whilst there are often more than one person making a decision, ultimately, usually one guardian or parent makes that final choice. It has to be that way for as children have greater needs, the needs for finance are greater, the needs for bigger homes or adapted homes increases, the need for help increases, so basically you find that in a couple scenario, one parent tends to take on the carer role and the other the family provider role.

Because of this focus, as a carer, you can become lost in that world. You become your child's mum and carer. You adapt that role and sometimes instead of playing the role, you become it. In doing so carer's often feel lost - if they are carer, mother, helper - what are they? Sometimes people see you as that. They are suprised if you are out alone.

However whilst playing the role of a carer, one must not lose their identity. My focus has been so intense that I got a fright when I looked in the mirror the other day. I look different - bigger, duller, tired and haggard. It hit me then that this would not help my Tália. How could one be a good carer if they can't even care for themselves?

It dawned on me that I had kind of lost the real me. I know that many talk of the duality of a carer but I think it is important that carer's do regain their identity and try to get time out from time to time. Seek support from loved ones surrounding you - I reach out to my mum often. Be open and honest.

If you are friend to a carer - be it someone caring for a special needs child, cancer patient or elderly, sometimes a big hug and a simple, 'I understand how you feel' can help. Carer's also need to be cared for - they need to be acknowledged as individuals.